Of Fever and Dreams

There's been a lot of talk in my neck of the woods about babies. Of my best friends, one has an 18-month-old, one has a six year old and one-year-old twins, and another is seriously contemplating starting a family sooner rather than later. I've even done some babysitting and spent more time lately with tiny humans than ever in my life.

And I'll admit it - I've had some Baby Fever over the past months (and it wasn't just me; The Hubs got a fair dose of it too).

But then I found out that one of my blogger buddies cleared that first big publishing hurdle - she got an agent. As I was reading her blog post about the experience (which you can find HERE), a feeling came over me that I didn't expect.

I didn't want a baby. I wanted a book - a book with my name on it.

In fact, I want a book way more than I ever thought I wanted a baby.

That may make me sound like a horrible person, but it's the truth. I'm not ruling kids out, I just want to become an author more than I want to become a parent. There are a multitude of factors that went in to me even contracting Baby Fever, but they are a little mired and weighty, so suffice it to say that in these past months when my depression got so bad, I lost myself a little and was looking for things that might help bring me some hope for the future. But being a mother was never a dream of mine. An eventuality maybe, but not a dream.

Being an author is my dream.

Since the Baby Fever has broken (and my depression is well in-hand thanks to the new meds), I feel the certainty of that dream. Not the certainty that it will happen in the way I wish it (because I have no control over that), but the certainty that I want it to happen and will do what is in my power to make it happen.

And now, without looking for it, I find that I have hope to spare.

For Fun [3] - The Darkest Minds Fan Cast

Hey quirks! I was super excited to hear about a director being selected for the adaptation of Alexandra Bracken's novel The Darkest Minds, so I decided to do a fan cast.

Please be warned I read the book two years ago so I'm going off my memory and images of fan art, and I'm only including the main four and a fifth I thought it would be fun to cast. Also, I did not consider the acting skills of these people (some of which I haven't even seen), just their general look and vibe (and the knowledge that Hollywood can make anyone look like a teen).

What do you think? Who would you cast for The Darkest Minds movie?
 

Ruby:

Caitlin Carver

You know her from:

The Fosters 

Hit the Floor

Liam:

 Zach Roerig

You know him from:

The Vampire Diaries

Friday Night Lights

Chubs:

Dexter Darden

You know him from:

The Maze Runner

Joyful Noise

Zu:
Mana Ashida

You know her from:

Pacific Rim

Clancy:

Nicholas Hoult

You know him from:

Warm Bodies

X-Men: First Class

Skins

And don't forget the final book in the trilogy, 

In the Afterlight, comes out next month!

I Refuse To Let It Kill Me | World Suicide Prevention Day 2014

On July 27th of this year, I had the biggest breakdown of my life. For the two weeks following, I was completely suicidal. My family was scared. I was scared. I went to work, unable to concentrate on my job but thought instead of the different methods I could utilize to carry out what every cell in my body screamed for.

I hadn't been that close to death in seven years. Even so, I didn't really want to go; I just didn't want to be in pain any longer. It's hard to describe a pain that is caused internally and cannot be seen - not by a blood test, not by an x-ray, maybe a brain scan, but I don't know of any doctors who have actually shown a depressed person what their pain looks like on a chart or film.

Drowning isn't a strong enough analogy for how I was losing myself. Maybe drowning in lava, but without the instantaneous death, just the searing, never-ending pain filling my chest and my throat and my head. Then suddenly I was out of the lava but back in the deep end of the ocean, my soul and mind charred and fragile but heavy as a planet. I learned early on how to hide my disease, so the masks went back up and off I went to work, my brittle self flaking away with every breath and no one noticing except those who already knew.

Then on August 11th I woke up, and the second my eyes opened, I felt different. I don't know what it was. My brain has had a mind of its own - quite literally making me feel how it wants me to feel - since I was ten. Since I'd been prescribed my latest medication, I never missed a pill, and I hadn't missed any of the previous prescription either, but that hadn't stopped the disease and the stress of my life from eating away at me. But despite this, that particular Monday dawned a little brighter than the fourteen days preceding it, so I clung to that and didn't let go.

A couple weeks ago my doctor suggested I try a new medication. I shrugged and agreed because it couldn't hurt. That bit of hope I'd grasped was nearly gone, and I didn't want to go back to those suicidal two weeks. In the past, a new medication meant feeling ill and strange for up to a week, then feeling better, a little clearer in the mind, a little less heavy around the shoulders. Eventually though, it also meant relapsing back into my depression, a depression that scored a 20 on the depression scale my doctor uses (meaning severe major depression).

Eleven days ago I began taking a daily half dose of this new medicine. The initial weirdness was strong in those first three days, but by day four, I didn't feel like myself  - the self that has been severely depressed for a decade. But now it's day eleven, and my improvement has been incredible. Yesterday I had a follow-up with my doctor and instead of scoring a 20 on the depression scale, I scored a mere 2.

I relate all this because I survived my disease this summer. I'm not done fighting it, but by grasping at whatever little bit of hope I could and getting help from those that loved me and from others that wanted to help me, I've made it to a place I never, ever thought I would be. I'm still cautious about the new medicine, but people around me already see the difference, and I feel the difference, so I'm staying this course for as long as it works.

I know most people who have never struggled with depression and anxiety find it hard to believe that something so invisible can be so devastating. For those of us who struggle with it, we know what it is like to be exhausted by having to take a shower or having to answer the phone. Our work suffers, our relationships suffer, people call us lazy and pathetic, we're told we don't have a real disease like cancer, or that depression isn't really a mental illness but just a phase.

And we can't prove them wrong if we aren't around to do so. I am done being quiet about what I have been through. In places like Twitter and here on this blog, I've felt that I can be more open about it, but on sites like Facebook where my internet life and my physical life intersect, I've said very little. But no more silence or veiled posts. I've always liked the mantra "Fake It til You Make It", but for those of us with depression, we are usually only able to "Fake It til We Break It," the "it" being ourselves. No more faking it.

I have severe major depression.
I have recently been suicidal.
I have smiled at you when I wanted to cry.
I have laughed with you when I wanted to die.
I have said, "I'm great," when I really meant "I'm in hell."
I am now on medication.
I am doing better.
I refuse to let it kill me.

Please don't let it kill you or anyone you know.

I have been acquainted with people who have committed suicide, and if one thing kept me alive while I was suicidal, it was knowing that the relief of my pain by suicide would be the cause of so much pain for those I left behind. You don't always know what you mean to the people in your life or how many hearts you will break by your decision. So go ahead and believe me when I say it will be more than you think.

You and your story matter, and I truly believe the motto for TWLOHA's 2014 NSPW campaign: No One Else Can Play Your Part. If you are struggling, talk to someone. Anyone. Let it out and then get help. During my breakdown in July, the only thing keeping me from breaking apart and tearing the whole house down with me was the fact that I had my husband holding me so tightly that I could do nothing but breathe. Sometimes it takes that; sometimes it only takes a listening ear.

All of us, those with depression and those with the luxury of never experiencing it, can do something to prevent suicide. Spread the word. Be the listener. Ask for help. Hold somebody's hand. We all matter.

If you would like more information on depression and suicide prevention, please follow the links below, and please share. Whether you think you do or not, you know someone struggling with this. Show them that you are on their side.

To Write Love On Her Arms

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Depression Quest

an interactive (non)fiction about living with depression

For Fun [2] - Your Bookish Identity

Your Bookish Identity is a booktube tag created by Little Book Owl, Katytastic, and Benjamin of Tomes. You can watch their video here to learn about the tag and see their answers.

Below are the questions and my responses with some explanation. Share yours in the comments or link your own post or video!

Q: Which dystopian or fantastical world would you live in?

A: While the entirety of the world in the Legend series isn't great, I would still love to be part of that world as long as I could live in Antarctica. The technology is just too cool to pass up.

Q: Who would be your partner?
A: Kaleb Ballard from the Hourglass series, no question. *swoons*

Q: Who would your godly parent be (from the Percy Jackson universe)?

A: Athena. She has been my favorite goddess since sixth grade when I had to do a project on her. I love her combination of wisdom and strength (and the giant golden statue of her in Nashville isn't half-bad either).

 

Q: Would you be a Downworlder or a Nephilim, and if the former, what kind (from the Shadowhunter universe)?
A: I would be a Downworlder so I could be a warlock. They have immortality and magic and while it might get tiring being immortal, I wouldn't mind spending at least a few centuries traveling, learning new skills, and reading/writing.

Q: Which house would you be in (from the Harry Potter universe)?

A: Pottermore sorted me into Gryffindor, but in real life I'm very much a Ravenclaw, so that's what I'm choosing.

 

Q: Which faction would you be in (from the Divergent universe)?
A: This is kind of funny because my answer is pretty much the opposite of what I chose for my house as far as color scheme and definitely not the same when it comes to personality, but I would choose Amity. Dauntless would be my aspirational faction, but again, I'm choosing what's closer to reality.



 

Q: What would be your daemon (from the Northern Lights/His Dark Materials universe)?

A: It would definitely be a cat of some kind, probably a manul (also called a Pallas's cat). They can be ferocious but they look like big, cuddly fluff balls.



 

For Fun [1] - Bookish Shuffle Tag

The Bookish Shuffle Tag is something done on many Booktube channels, but I'm not up to doing videos right now, so I thought I'd just make it a post! I wanted to do this after watching Kimberly Reads tag video, so go check it out!

The rules are simple: put your iPod/iTunes/whatever on shuffle, and for each song that plays, pick a book to go with the song. Because I have a bunch of ambient sound tracks and audio books in my iTunes, I did have to do some skipping, but otherwise the songs came up as listed.

Along with listing the songs and my book choices (which are all physically on my shelf and have been read), I try to explain why I picked each book. Because this was so much fun, I ended up doing fourteen (which is one of my favorite numbers). Follow the links to find out more about the books and songs. ^_^

Song 1: Fix A Heart [Demi Lovato] ~ Book: Dreamland by Sarah Dessen

Dreamland is (as far as I've read) the darkest of Sarah Dessen's books and by the end, while the main character is on the road to healing, she's not there yet.

Song 2: December [Sara Bareilles] ~ Book: New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

This is definitely not my favorite of the Twilight books, but most of New Moon is Bella dealing with the sudden change in her life that makes her extremely depressed, and on top of that, December is one of the months she loses to her depression.

Song 3: Home Again [Grand Vanity] ~ Book: Infinite Days by Rebecca Maizel

This song reminded me of the beginning of this book where Lenah wakes up to being human and without her lover Rhode.

Song 4: Infinity [The xx] ~ Book: The Sea of Tranquility by Katja Millay

My love for this book knows no bounds, and for me the vibe of this song just fit the characters, while the lyrics could be related to a certain rough patch they go through.

Song 5: Go Back [Marketa Irglova] ~ Book: Hallowed by Cynthia Hand

This song, about a relationship that is wanted but may not be fated, immediately brought to mind Hallowed, the sequel to Unearthly. I'm Team Tucker all the way.

Song 6: Honey Honey [Feist] ~ Book: Beautiful Redemption by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl

Lena and Ethan could not have been farther away from each other in this book and this song has an unearthly sound that, in my mind, matches their situation.

Song 7: These Hard Times [Needtobreathe] ~ Book: The Savage Grace by Bree Despain

In The Dark Divine series, Grace is trying her best to get through the craziness that has become her life, and in this last book, she needs all the help she can get to make it through and find happiness and hope again.

Song 8: Fairytale [Sara Bareilles] ~ Book: Cinder by Marissa Meyer

While it doesn't exactly match the true tone of the song, Cinder and its sequels are definitely about fairytale heroines taking their destinies into their own hands.

Song 9: Paris [Grace Potter and the Nocturnals] ~ Book: Infinityglass by Myra McEntire

A song this bad-ass and sexy can only fit Hallie Girard.

Song 10: Holland Road [Mumford and Sons] ~ Book: What's Left of Me by Kat Zhang

This song moves from sad to hopeful, and it reminds me of the relationship between Eva and Addie.

Song 11: Yellow Sun [The Raconteurs] ~ Book: Sisters Red by Jackson Pearce

The vibe of this song and the fact that it seems to be about werewolves (or some other nighttime monster) brought to mind Scarlett's fierceness.

Song 12: The Heat [Needtobreathe] ~ Book: Ultraviolet by R.J. Anderson

This book is all about the crossroads between emotions and senses and the song reminded me of Alison's thoughts upon seeing an out-of-this-world vista.

Song 13: Islands [The xx] ~ Book: Timepiece by Myra McEntire

Timepiece is about two people with secrets and walls built-up finding each other and becoming islands no longer. The cool/sexy vibe of the song is also quite fitting.

Song 14: Chartreuse [Capital Cities] ~ Book: The Selection by Kiera Cass

This song makes me think of a fashion show, and while The Selection isn't about a fashion show, it does deal significantly with the girls of the selection being made up to fit a certain persona and also having to act differently than how they would in normal life.